Friday, December 19, 2008

Have you seen...

I am a big fan of movies, not so much of t.v. All movies. I have to say that westerns and detective movies set in the 20's-40's have an especially soft spot in my heart. I will give just about any movie a chance. I even like some chick flicks as long as they are not to gushy or stupid. Or predictable. I wouldn't say that I am a huge movie buff but rarely do I meet someone with whom there isn't at least some common ground with movie interests. Now when I said that that I loved movies I really meant it, in fact on very frequent occasions I have wished my life was a movie. Since I have come to the realization that no matter how hard I wish for it, people with guns aren't going to chase me down the street while I dodge their bullets and return gunfire of my own, I'm not going to have the opportunity to ride a horse into a small town and clean it up by my quick draw gunplay, and the beautiful woman that spies me on the street isn't going to fall hopelessly in love with me after a 20-30 second conversation (this took longest for me to realize). So upon realization of these things around my twelefth birthday (except for the last one I probably realized that around 23-24) I began to realize that although I could not live the life of the movies I could at least dress the part. Following is a list of movies and t.v. shows that have influenced my dress:
  • Ocean's Eleven
  • Casino Royale
  • The Big Sleep (I could of used a host of movies but this was the first that came to mind)
  • Casablanca
  • Tombstone
  • Seinfeld (don't laugh, Kramer specifically)
  • The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
  • Gladiator (really just halloween for a couple of years)
  • Pushing Daisies (If only I could be as witty as they are)
  • Pirates of the Caribbean
  • and a couple of WW II movies (Dirty Dozen, Patton, etc...)

Books have also influenced my dress on a much smaller degree although most of this influence has been on the way I would like to dress but due to the extreme nature of the clothes, or lack of ability to find them I have not actually included them as part of my wardrobe (I have never found circa 1780-1800's British Naval Officers garb, but if any stumble upon it I'm holding you responsible for informing me). So although I may never live the life, I can look the part. This has occasionally resulted in people saying that I look like a charcter out of a movie, but due to their lack of movie knowledge they are usually miles away from what I was trying to achieve i.e. saying I look like James Bond when I'm dressed like Philip Marlowe (you are only 30 or 40 years off) or Inspector Gadget (seriously who would dress up as Inspector Gadget? Did he ever solve a crime without the help of his dog or that girl? Come on, if I am dressing as them they are going to be at least pretty cool and have some class).

"Ten million and you are still driving this piece of junk?"

"I spent it all on the suit."

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

BLACK ICE = PURE AWESOME



Every once in awhile an album impacts the music world so much I need to blog about it. Such an event happened on Monday when the worlds greatest rock band, AC/DC, came out with their 18th album rocking their new hit "Rock and Roll Train" which excretes undiluted excellence. Most people I inform of this event respond with "Wow I didn't even know they were still alive?" To my ignorant friends I respond "They are and they are rocking now as much as ever." This album marks their 35th year of wowing the world with their High Voltage rock. Even despite setbacks such as the death of their lead singer, Bon Scott, in February 1980 they were Back in Black with a new album release later that year with new singer Brian Johnson. That album went on to be the 2nd best selling album of the 1980's. We roll tonight to the guitar bite thanks to AC/DC.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Canoeing vs. Kayaking

Recently I completed my first canoe trip worth mentioning and couldn't help but compare my experience canoeing with my experience that I had kayaking in Alaska. Let me briefly outline both trips so you can better understand my arguments. Kayaking in Alaska: some friends and I rented some Sea Kayaks and paddled on the ocean to an inlet which turned out to be about 60 miles in 3 days. We spent nearly all day kayaking (I thought my arms fell off a few times during the first day but I eventually got used to it) and it was tons of fun. Canoeing in Idaho: I went with my class of 10 plus Instructor we were gone 2 days and maybe went 10 miles (take in account that my distance judging skills are barely something you can call a skill mostly I just say how far I think I wanted to go.) Previous to my Kayaking experience I had never spent any amount of time in a kayak whereas I am the proud bearer of the canoeing merit badge. Now that my experiences of the two nautical craft are placed on the table let me give you my list of why I think canoeing to be superior to kayaking.

1. Canoeing takes a great deal more skill to maneuver successfully, whereas any dolt can drive a kayak.

2. Canoeing can be done in a variety of positions (sitting with legs bent, sitting with legs straight, kneeling, standing, etc...) Kayaking can only be done in one position.

3. Transporting pets, small children, invalids, and the elderly are all possible by canoe but extremely difficult by kayak.

4. Canoeing requires less gear (canoe, paddle, pfd.) Kayaking (kayak, paddle, pfd, spray skirt.)

5. Canoes are easier to portage; for you landlubbers that means to carry your watercraft over ground.

6. Canoes are easier to get into and out of without getting wet.

7. Fishing, picture taking, rescuing people, bailing out other boats and playing vigorous air guitar are all easier to do/possible in a canoe.

8. You have greater access to your stuff in a canoe.

9. If it gets hot and you feel like going for a swim you can get out and back into your canoe without swamping it and without being a world class athlete.

10. Making out in a canoe is way easier than in a kayak.

Things' kayaking has over canoes:
1. Kayaks look cooler.

2. It is easier to go down big, fast rapids in kayaks.

3. A lot of people think kayaking is cooler (they are wrong.)

4. You get to take more stuff with you i.e. spray skirt.

5. If you flip your kayak you get to do that cool roll thing where you un-flip it.

As you can see whereas kayaking is cool, it is inferior to canoeing in almost all areas except for those of you whose vanity determines all areas of your life

Monday, September 22, 2008

My Life as a Worm


For all those who have never experienced spelunking in its fullness it is something you are truly missing out on. I'm not talking about namby pamby, walking full height, through a cave with a tour guide, i'm talking about inching along on your stomach like an earthworm ever worried that a slight tremor in the earth will seal your doom and bury you never to be seen by human eyes again. Recently I was privelged to indulge myself in this pasttime and it awakened all the childhood curiosity of my youth. I could almost hear the voice of my mother cautioning me to be careful, only I didn't so I carried on guilt-free and let my curiosity run wild. It was only until I came across an uncrossable chasm that I decided to turn back. To me the best thing about being in the outdoors is that freedom to go wherever I want, unburdened by the restraints of roads, crosswalks, or traffic rules. I'm not really even bound by the common decency to wear clothes although I keep them on mainly so as to not offend others. That and it usually pretty cold.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Gumsters

A recurring habit throughout my life has been old, black &white gangster/mafia movies. Everything the "tough guys" in the movie do is cool, from walking to chewing gum. I suppose gum at the time of these movies was a fairly new concept and the horror that some people attach to chewing gum in public had not yet been attached. These mobsters would be standing around in a hotel lobby chewing gum or flipping a coin and some detective would come up and start questioning them and all they would do is keep chewing or flipping. The cop or private eye would get more and more frustrated until eventually they just left the gangster alone. Then the gangster would go and do something cool like get mixed up in a gun fight or an old school car chase in a Packard convertible. From their head to toe these mobsters were cool; their hat, their clothes, their shoes, and especially their guns It is my goal to re-establish some small part of the "tough guy" approach, if only by making chewing gum look tougher. Next time I am chewing gum in a "no gum area" and somebody questions me about it I'm just going to lean back in my chair exposing the butt of a gun under my jacket, tip my hat back and say "how ya figure that?" If the interrogation continues as to why I am chewing in no chewing area I'll drop my hand down and let my fingers tap on the handle of my gun while I continue to make smart remarks. Unfortunately for me to properly pull off this sort of behavior would require a full change in dress, speech, and probably moral standards. I guess gum chewing left "tough guy" status when gangsters, started wearing baggy pants and gold chains. Oh how I miss the good old days...

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Mormon pick-up lines

Recently, while attending my Institutes after party, I was observing the people around me as they awkwardly met up with other people trying to do what all good single Mormons try to do that is; get married. When I had finished my plate full of fruit and sucked down the last of my cup full of water, I started walking toward the door and as I often do listened in on another groups conversation. As I was walking by a tall and kind of geeky looking fellow asked of a couple of girls, "so are you into 'Star Wars' at all?" Besides screaming "I AM A HUGE NERD" there was nothing worse that he could have said to these girls, and this is coming from a rather big Star Wars fan. No matter what he followed this comment with he had lost these girls. He had lost my attention and I was not even in the group. Next thing I knew Triumph the Comic Insult Dog quotes started running through my head and I nearly asked him if this was the first time he talked to a girl that didn't require his credit card number first. Of course I laughed nearly all the way home, and have been thinking of my own Mormon pick-up lines. So far I have only come up with one and it is "So have any other creepy guys hit on you this evening or am I the first one..." It's a work in progress, I know.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Devil May Care



I recently finished Ian Fleming's first book, Casino Royale, and if I have ever had a guilty pleasure this falls into that category. You could imagine my surprise/happiness when checking my yahoo mail I saw a headline for the new Bond book coming out and a link to read the entire first chapter, which I probably don't even have to tell you that I read and loved. So to all the true Bond fan's I have included the website so you can read it for yourself.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=90860831

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Shout out to hardest rocker in Rexburg



During the frigid winter months of living in Rexburg Idaho, there is little reason to go outside the least of which is class. Occasionally when I find myself braving the ice, snow and bitter wind I see the person who I affectionately refer to as the hardest rocker in Rexburg. Usually I hear him coming before I actually see him and I turn and see the off white Mitsubishi Galant driving over ice covered roads and hear the sweet sounds of Metallica's S&M album. Then this man goes past with both front windows down and usually has his arm out the window, and then the music completely engulfs me. I smile as I realize that this man has his priorities in order. Man's first priority in life is rocking, and all other things come after. While many others would use the excuse "it's cold" to justify their wussness this man just bucks up and keeps on rockin. Every time I have seen him pass me the same album has been playing. I can't fault him because that album is probably the pinnacle of mans musical, lyrical, and probably grammatical achievement. So to the unknown rocker I say this "For those who rock, we salute you."-AC/DC

Monday, June 9, 2008

Why I hate fire extinguishers


I had the privilege a few weeks ago to help a buddy of mine on a ranch that he is caretaker of. The guy that owns the ranch is some wealthy Arizonian who got rich doing something for cell phones. Among my duties on the ranch was the disposal of some rather large brush piles by lighting them on fire, which usually resulted in a fairly good sized bonfire. Remember I am a hick from a hick town so our size of bonfires are usually different from those of people with a more metropolitan background.
I had lit two fires that day and decided that I could handle lighting a third without to much problem. This pile was closer to a tree than most of my other fires but since we had received rain recently I thought that the tree would be fine, so I doused the pile with my diesel and gasoline mixture tossed in a match and watched the fire start. In about three seconds the flames shot up 15 feet and started licking the bottom branches of the tree. I looked at the flames under the tree and knew that I was in trouble, I could see the headlines "Man starts forest fire after accidentally lighting tree on fire." Fortunately for myself I had a fire extinguisher in my car and when the bottom branches of the tree went up in a puff of smoke I decided it was time to use it. I grabbed the extinguisher, pulled the pin, took careful aim at the burning branches and clamped down on the trigger. To my horror a puff of white powder shot out the end of the hose and landed about 3 inches from my feet. I pulled the trigger again, shook it, turned it upside down and still nothing worked. I ran swearing back to my car and grabbed a more reliable tool, the shovel.
I looked at the scene of carnage that I had created, a burning brush pile next to a burning tree, surrounded by a slow moving ring of fire supported by the dry grass and needles that kept moving further and further from the epicenter of the fire. Fortunately the tree was in meadow by itself and there was small chance of the fire jumping to other trees. I grabbed the shovel and started pounding out the flames and throwing dirt on them where possible. Let me tell you it is an interesting feeling looking your impending doom in the eye and then beating it to death with a shovel.
Eventually the fire in the tree went out leaving only a few blackened branches and a ring of ash surrounding the brush pile and tree. I stood leaning on my shovel with sweat pouring down my face and body thinking only two things; 1, how much I hate fire extinguishers and 2, that Smokey the Bear better keep his damn mouth shut.